Approximately a week ago, I decided to quit the exo fandom. I wasn't sure exactly what prompted me to quit, but my impending departure had been something I've mulled about multiple times. I deactivated everything, twitter, tumblr, livejournal. I didn't leave a note, didn't warn anyone of my leaving - I really wanted to completely sever my ties with exo (and really, kpop as well).
The reason why I so badly wanted to leave kpop was mostly because of the chains and restrictions I let it place over me. For the last few weeks or so, I wasn't into kpop that much, I hardly go on twitter, tumblr, write any fanfiction etc. But its presence was still there, creeping about my subconscious, provoking my conscience - I still felt I had some kind of obligation to involve myself in exo and kpop. Because this nagging feeling still lingered, I still felt the very slow effects over-indulgence of kpop invading me. These effects, I believe started the summer of 2012, when obsession with exo reached maximum levels. I didn't particularly notice them (or perhaps, I chose to ignore them. the mind works in such strange ways) at first.
But when school started, I started to see the effects. I became lazier to do homeworks and extra work, very different from Year 11. I slacked off tests and competitions. My hifz deteriorated at an alarming rate. I was stressed, lacked a lot of sleep (got sick 3 times this term) and pms-ed as often as the sun rises. I didn't bother taking responsibility. I was insensitive to the people around me, namely my mother, putting lots and lots of burden upon her.
In short, I was wreck.
I began to see a pattern as well. In the past few months or so, I started seeing my eeman degrade. I was lazy to pray, prayed very inadequately, took advantage of His blessings and overall, I just...did not feel close to Allah. This I believe greatly reflected my state of being during the whole term. To be honest, i have no idea how atheists do it, not having a God and all because...not being close to God is a very arduous and lonely occurrence. I spend the day forgetting God, and go to sleep at night feeling every awful emotion and regret. I hate the feeling. It spawns to every thought, every nerve, every feeling, every muscle, and chokes them in temporary happiness. And when that temporary happiness disappears, you're left suffocating all alone, gasping for air, no one to help you or give you a hand.
One of my greatest fears, is that one day, Allah abandons me (Na'udzu billah). I was scared that occured to me, but I did not know what to do. I tried to continue praying and praying and praying, but when nothing occured, my patience ran out and i became lonely, sad and terribly depressed.
So when I started my transition, you could tell I was definitely having a very hard time. I experienced withdrawal symptoms and as a result became desperate to grasp on to the last remaining strands of my fandom. I spent late hours, reclining to my bed at the ungodly hour of 2AM after hours and hours of looking up music, refreshing allkpop etc. I was annoyed at myself - I was supposed to dedicate more time to my studies and such, not on kpop. I wondered whether I did the right thing.
I suspected, once again, that it was my eeman. So i gave myself a challenge. Pray as slow as possible. Enunciate every part of the Salaah as carefully as possible. Give every letter its due right. I hoped and prayed that I would change.
At the weekend, after a few days of complete blackdown and difficult access to kpop, I suddenly no longer craved it. I began to feel sick of kpop and kpop music and k-variety shows and k-dramas - I really wished to go as far away as possible from these past remnants of my life and start something new. From that time on, I began to slowly change. I started watching sherlock (an ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC TV SERIES. Planning to do an analysis on sherlock vs. elementary). I went to the book fair and found fantastic books on Islam that really calmed me down and helped clear my head. One of these books was called "The Music made me do it" - it's about Islam's position on music, which helped convince me to quit listening to music and kpop forever (InshaAllah). I started to crave reading, desperate to find Animal farm, On the Road, 1984, Life of Pi, Perks of being a wallflower, The fault in our stars,the complete Sherlock Holmes collection (planning to do a reading list too).
One of the books that really helped to move me forward was " You can be the Happiest woman in the world". In there there were many messages that encouraged me to stand up: Look at the people less fortunate than you, after every tribulation glad tidings will come, Islam is the greatest honour and gift God has given you and many more. But the one message that resonated with me the most was this: If you do the right thing and obey Allah, then surely Allah will be on your side, and when Allah is with you, you have no need to fear anything in this life and the next.
One of the greatest problems I had when leaving fandom is, how would people react to this? how would I explain to them? Will they see me as weird, stupid, backwards? Will people see me stopping listen to music and read kpop (ehem ehem) fanfiction something unnecessary, uncalled for, and downright silly? With that message however, I was able to let go of these fears and in fact, thanks to my best friend Rania, find out that I had nothing to worry about. She wholeheartedly accepted and respected my decision, and even admired and supported it. Thank you so much for calming me. I pray that Allah will reward you and give you the best in this life and the next InshaAllah.
I know there are people who can juggle different fandoms at once - unfortunately I'm not that type,and it's either one or the other. This time, I choose to indulge myself in books once again, watch a few series and movies, learn more about Islam and many more Insha'Allah. I'm not saying I will never indulge in sin or suddenly become the most religious person ever ( I believe I am still very far from that), but I am trying the best as possible to make use of my time and to improve constantly to become a strong Muslim woman, strong in her faith, Insha'Allah.
'Don't ever give up on asking forgiveness from Allah. Many times I have made mistakes and major sins in my life and for some reason, despite such horrible instances, Allah still continued to help and support me. Allah's attribute as the most Merciful is perhaps the greatest of all His attributes - it's why Ar-Rahman and Ar-Rahim are the two names most often recited. Why is it that we always start the Quran and every activity we do with Bismillahirrahmannirrahim?'
