i don't understand.
as soon as i come home from yale, all i wanted to do was not do anything. i didn't want to catch up on work, didn't want to do homework, didn't want to study, nothing! everyday i'm being reckless, staying up till 1 AM, doing completely useless stuff, like check repeatedly on facebook, twitter etc. i'm somehow deluding myself to think everything will be all right, everything will be fine - meanwhile i have a pile of work i should be doing.
this is one of my worst habits - thinking nothing will go wrong. and then on the day, i rush and cram, trying to kill myself with information overload. i hate it. i don't understand how people can enable themselves to study months months beforehand. how do they find the motivation? what is wrong with me?
this feeling of regret keeps haunting me, following me. i regret not getting a high score on my SAT, i regret not achieving my full potential for wsc. but everyone, everyone around me is saying "omg congratulations you did so well, i'm so proud etc."
no. you guys don't know me. i DIDN'T do well. i could have done better than that. i should have been able to get into the top 5, or top 10 at least. but because i slacked off, i was floundering about, thinking everything will be all right, i didn't do well. at all. i was only saved by the graciousness of Allah. all of that, that wasn't my work. it was Allah's work. Allah made it all happen. I am so so so grateful that Allah saved me. honestly, i am NOTHING without Allah. absolutely nothing. i'd just be some kind of odd empty shell thing.
and this week, oh man this week. it's only been two days but i feel like flipping everyhting and throwing them out through the window. i'm pmsing everyday. all i'm doing is day dreaming. i space out when i sholat. i list out dozens of work to do - in the end, not even a quarter of ONE item in the to do list was done. i have bio and chem to catch up. i have a physics mini mock tomorrow. i have a whole page of quran to do. and what have i done all day today? facebook. tumblr. irrelevant stuff. absolutely irrelevant.
and to think i quitted tlist so that i could focus on my work. hah. what a joke. i'm actually doing worse now. i fell so dumb.
is it the way i'm viewing the work i have to do? do i think of them as burdens? problems? rocks i wish i never had? rocks i don't deserve?
however it is i see it, i know i'm viewing them in a very negative light. extremely negative. so negative that i'm running away from them. it's like, i don't think they're even my problems so why should i do it? and you know what would be the best way to get rid of them? run away.
brilliant plan salma. top-notch. i'm sure you'll end up working in Mcdonalds like that. if you're lucky.
i have to start caring about these things. no, i choose to be caring about these things. these past few days, or at least this term, has been awful. i didn't care about anything. no care in the world 5alas, free. but slowly the world is catching up to me. it's already caught me in its masterful web multiple times. and still i have not learned a lesson.
from now on salma, start caring. these are YOUR responsibilities. stop acting spoiled. start being mature and independent. pray to Allah to give you strength.
tomorrow salma, i want you to do one thing. pray properly. don't get distracted. if you get distracted do it again. i think this is a huge problem with you right now. pray properly. really do it as if you're meeting Allah Himself and then, once you've fully thanked the Almighty Lord, ask Him to give you power, energy and strength and willpower to accomplish your work. right now, i believe, your Iman is very low. start reading the quran. stop listening to music for a while. go and pray the sunnah. no these are not time wasters. you're much much MUCH better off taking time to do these things than to do other things. reserve 15 minutes for each sholat period. during that 15 minute period you are not allowed to do anything except pray to Allah, read Quran, sholat sunnah, anything islamic related. and do it as soon as the adzan starts.
Inshallah this will be beneficial. let's start focusing on your Iman first and raising it again. and InshaAllah, all the worldly matters such as school will follow.
understand?
very simple. spend 15 minutes for each sholat. ONLY 15 minutes. think about it, 15 minutes is not a long time at all.
all right, go to sleep now. have that intention to really really pray better. InshaAllah you will be rewarded.
as soon as i come home from yale, all i wanted to do was not do anything. i didn't want to catch up on work, didn't want to do homework, didn't want to study, nothing! everyday i'm being reckless, staying up till 1 AM, doing completely useless stuff, like check repeatedly on facebook, twitter etc. i'm somehow deluding myself to think everything will be all right, everything will be fine - meanwhile i have a pile of work i should be doing.
this is one of my worst habits - thinking nothing will go wrong. and then on the day, i rush and cram, trying to kill myself with information overload. i hate it. i don't understand how people can enable themselves to study months months beforehand. how do they find the motivation? what is wrong with me?
this feeling of regret keeps haunting me, following me. i regret not getting a high score on my SAT, i regret not achieving my full potential for wsc. but everyone, everyone around me is saying "omg congratulations you did so well, i'm so proud etc."
no. you guys don't know me. i DIDN'T do well. i could have done better than that. i should have been able to get into the top 5, or top 10 at least. but because i slacked off, i was floundering about, thinking everything will be all right, i didn't do well. at all. i was only saved by the graciousness of Allah. all of that, that wasn't my work. it was Allah's work. Allah made it all happen. I am so so so grateful that Allah saved me. honestly, i am NOTHING without Allah. absolutely nothing. i'd just be some kind of odd empty shell thing.
and this week, oh man this week. it's only been two days but i feel like flipping everyhting and throwing them out through the window. i'm pmsing everyday. all i'm doing is day dreaming. i space out when i sholat. i list out dozens of work to do - in the end, not even a quarter of ONE item in the to do list was done. i have bio and chem to catch up. i have a physics mini mock tomorrow. i have a whole page of quran to do. and what have i done all day today? facebook. tumblr. irrelevant stuff. absolutely irrelevant.
and to think i quitted tlist so that i could focus on my work. hah. what a joke. i'm actually doing worse now. i fell so dumb.
is it the way i'm viewing the work i have to do? do i think of them as burdens? problems? rocks i wish i never had? rocks i don't deserve?
however it is i see it, i know i'm viewing them in a very negative light. extremely negative. so negative that i'm running away from them. it's like, i don't think they're even my problems so why should i do it? and you know what would be the best way to get rid of them? run away.
brilliant plan salma. top-notch. i'm sure you'll end up working in Mcdonalds like that. if you're lucky.
i have to start caring about these things. no, i choose to be caring about these things. these past few days, or at least this term, has been awful. i didn't care about anything. no care in the world 5alas, free. but slowly the world is catching up to me. it's already caught me in its masterful web multiple times. and still i have not learned a lesson.
from now on salma, start caring. these are YOUR responsibilities. stop acting spoiled. start being mature and independent. pray to Allah to give you strength.
tomorrow salma, i want you to do one thing. pray properly. don't get distracted. if you get distracted do it again. i think this is a huge problem with you right now. pray properly. really do it as if you're meeting Allah Himself and then, once you've fully thanked the Almighty Lord, ask Him to give you power, energy and strength and willpower to accomplish your work. right now, i believe, your Iman is very low. start reading the quran. stop listening to music for a while. go and pray the sunnah. no these are not time wasters. you're much much MUCH better off taking time to do these things than to do other things. reserve 15 minutes for each sholat period. during that 15 minute period you are not allowed to do anything except pray to Allah, read Quran, sholat sunnah, anything islamic related. and do it as soon as the adzan starts.
Inshallah this will be beneficial. let's start focusing on your Iman first and raising it again. and InshaAllah, all the worldly matters such as school will follow.
understand?
very simple. spend 15 minutes for each sholat. ONLY 15 minutes. think about it, 15 minutes is not a long time at all.
all right, go to sleep now. have that intention to really really pray better. InshaAllah you will be rewarded.
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